What do you Say?

In memory of my grandma, I am forgoing a Friday Favorites today.

My grandma was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer last weekend. We expect that she will only be with us a few more days.

In looking back at her life, it is filled with sorrow and regret, but with some rays of sunshine - my dad, his brother, her grandkids, and Grandpa Ken. Those rays, I would have to say, are blessings from Heavenly Father, to let her know that He was mindful of her and loves her. Sadly, I don't know if she quite understood that.

My dad's family is unique. He has one full brother, 9 half brothers and sisters, and 3 step brothers. My dad is the oldest of all the kids, his one full brother is the second oldest, and then the others fall several years behind. Some of them are younger than me.

My grandma, whom we call Disneyland Grandma, is my dad's real mom. I don't know much, actually nothing, about her childhood, other than it was horrible enough that she married to get out. She married my dad's real dad, whom we call Opa. I'm not sure how long they were married, but it ended bitterly. What I do know is that she was/is an Alcoholic and did some things that I don't believe she has ever fully forgiven herself for. There was a period of time, several years I would guess, where she was out of the scene with my dad and his brother. They lived with their dad for some of that time and my dad even lived with his Grandma (whom we call Oma) for part of the time. It was during this time that they were introduced to the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, for which I am forever grateful. My dad, his brother, Opa, and Oma all joined the church. My Disneyland Grandma, did not. (Again, she wasn't around at that time.)

After several years, she did find happiness, or at least contentment, with a man we called Grandpa Ken. He was a dear sweet man who had a history of his own, which I think suited them both. I know they loved each other, but in what way, I don't know. They were married at one point, but then he left and they divorced. He came back a couple of years later and honestly, none of us really know whether they actually got married again or just lived together. Kind of funny, I know. :)

My dad and his brother have grown to be strong members of our church, but through it all, Grandma has never accepted the gospel. My understanding is that she has never really forgiven herself and probably feels that she is not worthy of being forgiven for her mistakes.

It saddens me to no end to know that she refuses to accept the gift that our Savior has given her. While I do think she accepts Jesus Christ as the Savior of the world, I don't think she has internalized it and accepts it in a personal level. I wish that she could feel the peace that I feel when I know that because of the atonement, I am (not just "can be") forgiven of my sins. I want so much for her to feel that deep, settling, feeling of peace that seeps into the darkest recesses of one's soul.

Several years ago, she opened up to one of my sister's and I, more than I have ever heard her open up before. She shared with us the AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) bible she reads every day. But still, the light isn't there.

What do you say to someone standing at death's door, to try to help them feel the peace they have never truly had?

I don't have an answer for this. What I can say is: "I love you, Grandma." And then as I walk away, knowing that door will soon open for her, I pray with all my might that a truer knowledge and understanding will come to her. I pray that someone on the other side will be able to help her see what us, her family, have never been quite able to show her. I pray that somehow, someway, she will come to accept Jesus as her personal Savior and that she will be able to overcome her addictions (she smokes like a chimney) and her feelings of guilt. I don't pretend to think it will happen quickly or easily, but I will hold out hope that it will happen.

I am comforted by the knowledge I have that because Heavenly Father knows each of us, he judges us each individually. I know that he understands her past, better than I obviously, and will take that into consideration. I would venture to say that I will be held to a stricter and higher bar than she will because, as the scriptures say, I have been raised by goodly parents who love the Lord and have taught me the path on which I should go. Grandma didn't have that.

I pray that she passes in peace, with peace.

I love you, Grandma.


:)