Welcome to Earth

Welcome to Earth, Jaxon. Let me tell you a little bit about what you might expect here. Things will be good, and things will be bad. There will be things that are easy, and things that are hard. I know that sounds crazy and scary, and truthfully it kind of is, but it is also wonderful and the most amazing journey you will ever experience.

Lucky for you, you were born to what I would consider "goodly parents." Meaning: they rock. :) They are funny and fun to be with. They will love you to pieces but teach you to be the man you should become. Listen to them, they're not just playing with you when they tell you things. They are serious and you will be best off if you listen and obey. If you figure out how to do that, please write a book because you could become rich by other parents who want their kids to be as awesome as you.

Your mom is the sweetest girl in the world. She will take good care of you. Please treat her kindly and be sure to help her lots. Your dad is cool. I hope you will always remember that, even if other kids say their dads aren't. Don't worry, yours always will be. He will teach you lots of stuff, but most importantly, follow his example in how he treats your mom. He takes good care of her and you should do the same because someday, you are going to want to marry a hot babe like your mom, and you can only do that if you learn to take good care of her.

You have some fantastic cousins. Lucky for you, you have lots of boy cousins so you will have plenty of playmates. However, remember that if they decide to jump off a bridge (Justis will likely be the ringleader on this - remind him that I said "no"), doesn't mean you should jump off a bridge. Sometimes boys do crazy things that their moms just don't understand. That doesn't mean you have to follow suit. You will save your mom a lot of stress if you don't do some of those things that we moms just don't understand.

Now for the serious part... You're probably a bit freaked out about having to leave our Heavenly Father. That is quite understandable. Not to worry, He is still there, watching and listening. You just can't see Him anymore. Like I mentioned, he has given you awesome parents who know and love the gospel and will do their darndest best to take great care of you, and other extended family members (like me, your favorite aunt), who will also watch out for you and take care of you. Always remember that if you do what He asks, you will be happy. Serve Him, Love Him, Obey Him. Those are the keys.

I love you, little dude. I can't wait to meet you. Welcome to Earth.

With much love,

Your Aunt :)

Turning a New Leaf

The past few days have been exceptional...

1) Justis has been getting dressed by himself when asked! He is even getting dressed by himself after he goes to the bathroom. Ahhhh.... such a relief. I have been trying to get him to do that for a while but, as with his persistent nature, he has resisted. On Saturday, he even chose his own clothes to wear!

2) Nia and Justis have played so well together the last several days. They always play well together but this weekend was a notch above the other times.

3) Nia got breakfast for her and Justis on Sunday. Not only did she get out the bowls, spoons, cups, etc, but she got the milk out of the fridge and poured it on the cereal! To top it off, she was very sweet because there wasn't a lot of cereal left so she let him have the most and she had what was left. :) By the time I came downstairs to the kitchen, they were almost done with their cereal. That was the first time they got breakfast for themselves. So exciting!

Anyway, it has been so exciting to see this progress and I am especially please with Justis' increased independence. I have finally gotten him to the point that he is no longer insisting being carried - he weighs about 40 pounds so it is about time! :)

On a completely different subject, my sister is having her baby today! I am so excited for them, but bummed that I won't see the baby for a while as they live far away. :( In any case, I am so excited for them and their new miracle. :)

:)

Friday Favorites

Today's Friday Favorites is a new kids show called Ni Hao Kai-lan. "Ni Hao" means "Hello" in Chinese (really it's more like "Hello. How are you doing?"). It is on Nickelodeon. We are on the West Coast so it plays at 11am our time. Check your local listings for the time and channel where you live. :)

This show is super cute. It is designed to be a Chinese Dora of sorts. Kai-lan (the girl) speaks English and Chinese and teaches kids Chinese in a similar manner to Dora the Explorer. She has a couple of friends - HoHo who is a three year old monkey, Tolee who is a five year old koala, Rintoo who is a five year old tiger and her best friend, and also some others that make less frequent appearances. She and her friends interact with her grandpa, Ye Ye (Grandpa in chinese) quite a bit, and teaches different everyday things such as how to calm down when you are upset. Stylistically, the show has a definite Chinese animation feel to it.


Anyway, it is really cute and my kids (and myself) enjoy it. And that is my Friday Favorites for today.

:)

Grateful

I am sitting at my desk in the family room listening to the most beautiful sound... children playing happily together.

While every parent would agree that it is one of the best sounds in the world, I am particularly grateful because of everything it took to get these two special spirits into our family.

I remember the exact day that it really hit me that I wanted to have a baby. It was a couple of months after I got married. We had originally agreed before we got married that we would wait a couple of years before having children, but when I agreed to that, I had no idea about how the desire for children would hit me like a brick.

For an entire year, I struggled with having this strong desire, attending a student ward at Ricks (back when it was actually Ricks and not BYU-Idaho) where every other woman except 1 (that is not an exaggeration) either had a baby, was pregnant, or was trying to get pregnant, and not even be trying (Jason wasn't ready yet). That was difficult. There were times when I had forgotten to take my birth control and I secretly hoped that I would get pregnant. I can honestly say I never skipped it on purpose, but I wasn't exactly sad when I really did forget.

I also remember the exact moment when Jason told me that we could start trying to get pregnant. I was ecstatic. I remember shopping for clothes and hesitating to buy anything that I wouldn't be able to wear if I got pregnant. I also remember the utter despair of not getting pregnant at all. I had friends and siblings that got married after us and then pregnant. I had friends at work that were trying at the same time as I that finally got pregnant and then they didn't work anymore. I remember how it felt every time I started my period. It was horrible. If starting my period was bad enough, the cramps and pain that I had each month with it was like salt on an open wound. That, and the oh-so unhelpful comments such as "Just stop thinking about it, then you'll get pregnant." I hate that - never say that to someone trying to get pregnant. :)

Years went by and I wondered if I would ever be able to bear children. After several years (and countless tears), we finally decided to sign up for adoption. We were excited because we felt like we were a cute young couple and that we would be attractive to someone willing to give up their child so that child could have a better life. After a few months, we did get a call. I spoke to a birthmom on the phone and then an appointment was made for us to meet with her. After the appointment, she choose us. Again, we were ecstatic.

Preparations were made, a crib was bought, a room was painted, and clothes were purchased. We were ready! I went to the ultrasound where we learned it would be a boy and we later choose a name for him. Two weeks before her due date, we received a call from the social worker that the agency had received a letter from an attorney indicating that the birthmom had changed her mind and would be placing her baby for adoption through the attorney. The agency was not allowed to contact her anymore. (She was not LDS but was going through LDS Family Services originally based on a referral from a neighbor.)

I held hope that she would change her mind, but she never did. I was brave and strong, only because through the preceding years, I had learned to trust my Heavenly Father. I learned that my struggle with not having children had nothing to do with how often we were having FHE (or the lack of how often - it's hard when it's just the two of you), if I was reading my scriptures daily, etc. I tried bargaining, I tried pleading, I tried everything. The only thing that worked? Trust.

I had to trust Heavenly Father that His will was better than mine. I like planning things out. Not having my plans go accordingly is not something I enjoy. That was something that I had to learn. I didn't know if or when things would work out, I just had to have faith and trust that Heavenly Father loved(s) me, no matter how many times I have (or don't have) FHE, read my scriptures, etc. He loves me for me, despite my shortcomings, and He knows what is best. This was what was best, even if I didn't originally agree with Him. :)

A short side note: Through this trial, I was eventually able to find peace about not being able to get pregnant at that time. It took a while, years really, but I did receive that peace. I feel so grateful for that and was also grateful that it was something that I was able to share with others experiencing infertility and help them find peace as well.

Two months after our failed adoption, my youngest sister got pregnant. I remember how hard it was. I was the first to get married in my family and she was the last (there are five of us). It was hard to see her get pregnant after just a few months of trying and being married.

At her birthday party, I had really bad cramps. It was all I could do to sit there without bursting into tears after she opened up gift after gift of maternity clothes, knowing that I was about to start my period. I stayed as long as I could (it wasn't her fault) and had to leave. I just couldn't do it anymore. I cried all the way home. I went to bed crying (well, that at least sounds dramatic - I don't remember if that is really true though).

Oddly enough, a couple of days later, I still hadn't started my period. Lo and behold, I was pregnant! After five years, I was finally pregnant.

It is now six years later and I am listening to my two miracles playing happily together (our second was another miracle and another story - ironically we had just signed up for adoption again when I got pregnant with him). While I have my moments with them, as every parent does with their children, I feel utterly grateful to have been blessed with two incredible spirits. They are individual in many ways, but they are both strong. As if that wasn't enough, I also feel immensely blessed that they get along so well. 95% of the time, they play together beautifully. They laugh and giggle and help each other (well, mostly it's Nia helping Justis and him helping but not really helping Nia).

Our two miracles are it for us. When we were getting married, I wanted six. After a couple of years of trying, I was willing to go down to four. After a few more years, three was looking great. But alas, Heavenly Father has a will for me. Two is it. In our LDS society, sometimes I feel a little funny for "only having two," but I'm ok with it. In fact, I am happy with it. Heavenly Father knows me better than I know myself and He has a plan for me that I know, without a doubt, is better than my plan. My goal is to align my plan with His (which can be difficult because I don't always know what His plan is) and I know that things will ultimately work out for the best. That doesn't mean things will be easy, I am not a fool, but I know that by humbly accepting His will, I accept the best for me.

I could not have chosen better children. It's not that they are perfectly behaved all the time, but they are the perfect for each other and for Jason and I. There are things that I learn from each of them and I adore them both.

:)

P.S. I am also happy to say that we have FHE almost every week now. Sometimes schedules get hectic and we miss it, but generally we are very consistent. Had to put that in there so I know that you know that we are not neglectful with that commandment. :)

Stuck in Limbo

Before I start this post, I have to tell a quick and funny story... Nia came home from Kindergarten today and told me this. She said: "Mommy, you want to know something funny? I gave Cody a heart sticker today and after I gave it to him he wanted me to kiss him!" I thought this was so funny that I had her repeat it to Jason and she added to the story: "I told him No, No, No!" Luckily, we have taught her early enough that we don't kiss boys... except for daddy, grandpas, and brother. :)

Ok, now to my state of limbo...

I feel like I am stuck in a state of limbo between accepting my body and hating my body. In the last year, I have put on almost 30 pounds of weight. It's not that I have started doing something different, I am still working out and eating like I did before. My metabolism has completely shut down.

None of my clothes fit anymore. I have had to buy a whole new wardrobe which under normal circumstances would be quite exciting. Not so much when you jump up three sizes in pants and dresses.

Those that see me often may comment "You don't look like you have gained that much weight" and truly I know that I don't look like one might expect someone to look after putting 30 additional pounds on. For that, I truly am grateful. But I know I do look different and I know how much weight I have put on. I know that I am embarrassed to stand by my sister that weighs 90 pounds (not her fault - and I still love you baby) and I am frustrated as all get out.

I try to eat well, but I am not obsessive about it. Still, even watching my caloric intake (do you know how hard it is to eat only 1700 calories a day?), I have continued to gain weight. I am on thyroid medication but things don't seem to be turning around. I will have another test on my thyroid next month so maybe I will have to up my dosage, but that doesn't change what is happening now.

I am very conscientious about not obsessing over my body or calling myself fat in front of my daughter. I truly do not want her to grow up with a mother who is obsessed about her body and how it looks. But every time I look in the mirror I can't help but be sad and depressed over what is happening.

So this puts me in limbo - I want to be able to accept my body but at the same time I find it very difficult. I find it very difficult to feel good about the way I look when just a year before I was 30 pounds less, and less than a size 4. And to no fault of theirs, it's also hard to feel good about how I look when I am around my two beautiful sisters, who are much trimmer than myself. I love them and it doesn't change the way I feel about them and I hold no resentment towards them at all, it just reinforces my negative feelings about my body.

Sorry this is a downer. Any advice would be appreciated. I want to love my body and I want to accept my body. Some of the most beautiful women I know are not size 4 or less. I truly believe that beauty does not always come in small packages. I'm just struggling and trying to cope with going from a small package to a not so small package.

:)

Friday Favorites

For Friday Favorites, I want to highlight an outstanding miniseries that has been on HBO: "John Adams."


If you enjoy history, this miniseries is for you. It is amazingly directed and acted by everyone involved. It is very high quality it could have gone to the theater. Probably the only reason it didn't is because it is so long. (I believe there are seven episodes of an hour each.)

It has been so interesting and inspiring to see the struggles, both internal and external, that the founding fathers went through to obtain Independence. Not only does this highlight the founding fathers, George Washington, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, and many others, but it also gives a great portrayal of what the women and the people in general had to sacrifice. I watched part of episode 3 last night and John Adams' wife said that she had spent at least half their marriage separated from her husband because of his responsibilities. I can't imagine how that would be and the toll that would take on a marriage.

The miniseries is specifically about John Adams but all of the others play significant roles as well, making it very well rounded. Honestly, I had no idea about how much John Adams played a role in obtaining freedom for our nation.

This is available for purchase on Amazon and other websites. It would be a great gift for someone that loves history. If you have HBO, they are playing them all the time. Even better, if you have Comcast with On Demand, you can watch the episodes at your leisure. I believe they are available there until May 18th.

Click on this link to go to the site and click on the View Trailer link. I just watched the trailer again and got goose bumps from it again. :) It is that good and it is my Friday Favorite. :)

Enjoy!

:)

A Quickie

It was decided last Saturday that I would take a very quick trip to Texas on Monday (two days ago) to return my beloved nieces, Tori and Abbie, to their parents who just moved there. It has been a fast and furious trip, but it was good.

The girls were better than I had expected so that was a nice relief. It was fun to be with my sister and her husband as they work to settle into their new life in a new place. I was also able to meet up with one of my best friends, Meredith, and had lunch with her. We ate Tex-Mex, which I figured was appropriate since I was there. It was a great two and a half hours to just talk and laugh with her. She is so great.

I have to give snaps to Dallas for being prettier than I had expected. I have been to other parts of Texas that don't float my boat. The others I have visited are flat, windy, brown, and trees are scarce. For a Pacific Northwest girl, not having trees is almost as bad as not having air. Soooo... I was pleasantly surprised to find that Dallas is LOADED with trees! They are predominantly Deciduous (trees with leaves) whereas we have a great mixture of Evergreen and Deciduous where I am, but hey, some trees are better than no trees!

Anyway, my mom, the saint that she is, watched my kids while I was gone and I was treated to hugs and kisses as I walked out of the security barrier at the airport this afternoon. What a great greeting. :)

Honestly, I LOVE to travel. Let me say that again... I LOVE TO TRAVEL!!! If I had all my savings, retirement, kids' college funds, and shopping fund (that is my other favorite pastime) set, I would spend a lot of money traveling the world.

I have been to five out of seven continents in the world so far, and have my sights set on going to those two (not to mention other countries on the continents I have already been to). I love to see different cultures and places. It is so fascinating to me. My two most favorite trips have been to Taiwan and Italy. (Sorry for the off subject tangent.)

I am glad I was able to take a quickie to Dallas and return my sister's beautiful girls to her, but I am glad to be home to my beautiful kids and wonderful husband too. :)
:)

Friday Favorites

I wanted to do this last Friday but as I was on my trip and "herding cats," I didn't get a chance.

My Friday Favorites today are my grandparents. They are actually Jason's grandparents but I am extremely close with them. We lived with them while we (Jason) attended BYU (I worked). The two years we spent with them are some of my most fondest dreams. Unfortunately, Grandpa now has Alzheimers. It is such a terrible disease, affecting not just the person who has it, but their family.

Grandma and Grandpa are what I consider to be the perfect grandparents. They even look like the perfect grandparents. :) They are so loving and from the first time I met them while Jason and I were dating, I always felt welcomed and loved by them.

There is something about going home to them that fills my soul. It fills my bucket, so to speak. I visited them last Friday (thus my reason for wanting to highlight them last week). It was so great to see them, even if it was only for a short time. Since I was toting four kids around that day, it was hard to stay very long because it was hard to keep them entertained while I chatted and I was ultra paranoid that they were going to break something. :)

I admire grandma for her patience and endurance. Grandpa is at a stage in his disease that he requires 24 care and supervision.

One neat experience I had with him was last year when I was visiting, Grandma and I were watching TV and talking. He suddenly started speaking (he doesn't speak much anymore). He went on and on for a long time which was very bizarre. The neat thing about it was that it was like he was giving a fireside or a talk at church. (He was a Bishop many years ago.) He talked about obedience and faith. After more than 30 minutes of his talking (again, highly unusual for him with this disease), we had a "closing prayer" with him to help him get out of the circle of thoughts (his thought process got stuck in a loop and he couldn't get out of it so he would start his talk over and over). It touched (and still touches) my heart though because it reiterates to me what his in his heart. He has always been a great example to his/our family and even in the grips of this horrible disease, he still continues.

I wish I could live by Grandma and Grandpa to help them. I can't imagine how hard it is for Grandma to care for the person she has spent her life with, knowing that he doesn't really know her or anyone else anymore.

I love them so much and they are definitely my Friday Favorite. :)

:)

Adventures in Idaho

Adventure #3: World War 3

Battle 1: The battle of Red Robin
Opponent 1: Justis
Motive: Wish I knew
Opponent 2: Me
Motive: Preserve some sort of sanity, dignity, and not disturb all other restaurant goers. Also to avoid being asked to leave because of the disruptiveness of my son and not allowing my son to act improperly in a restaurant.

The battle: So on our trip, we celebrated Justis' birthday. We all went out to eat at Red Robin, one of my recent preferences because of how family friendly it is. Unfortunately, Justis was so tired that he was not in the proper restaurant attendance mind frame. He decided that he did not want to sit down but would rather walk along the entire long bench (to three or four tables down) and then refused to return to the table. When I tried to remove him from the situation, he brought out the big artillery. Screaming, flailing, crying, and impersonating a jelly fish (limp).

The climax of the battle: trying to remain calm and dignified while asking our waiter to send my dinner (and Justis') home with my family after they finished (we had just ordered), all without bursting into tears of frustration. (Mission accomplished)

The winner: It was a draw. Justis and I left (our great waiter was able to grab our food real quick so he caught us on our way out), leaving Nia with my sister and her family to enjoy my son's birthday dinner. Justis fell asleep within minutes of getting in the car.


Battle #2: The Gas Station Revolution
Opponent 1: Justis
Motive: Get what I want... What did I want?
Artillery: Shoes, Fruit Snacks, Other assorted snacks, fists, screaming, flailing, crying, and impersonating a jelly fish.

Opponent2: Me
Motive: Avoid having onlookers call the police due to what appeared like a potential kidnapping, avoid spanking, avoid giving child up for adoption to anyone who would take him.
Artillery: Strength and amazing ability to compartmentalize so as to avoid going into a complete meltdown.

The scene: Gas station/restroom stop/lunch stop in the middle of nowhere, Utah.

The battle: Trying to carry my screaming, flailing, and intermittently limp child into and out of the gas station because child number 1 (my saving grace) had to go potty. Justis did not want to go in, did not want to stay in the bathroom, did not want to go back out (doesn't that conflict with his desire not to go in?), did not want to get into the car, did not want to sit in his car seat, did not want to get buckled, did not...

I was seriously surprised that someone did not call the cops on me because everyone's faces looked like they thought I was kidnapping the child.

The climax: Getting back to the car, I tried to get him in. He no longer wanted to bet back in the car (this all started with him not wanting to get out of the car). When I tried to get him in the car, he fought me with everything he had. He tried to get out but I blocked the door. He took his shoes off and threw them out into the parking lot. When I went to get them, he hopped out and ran off (yes, in the middle of the parking lot). I finally got him and his shoes and got the door closed... AND LOCKED. He then proceeded to grab anything he could get his hands on (i.e. fruit snacks, crackers, boxes of crackers, etc) and throw it in the car, all the while screaming. When I moved the bin of food to the front seat, he tried to climb into the front seat to grab the food to throw. When I tried to have him to talk to dad and was about to hand him my iPhone, I could see the glimmer in his eyes and knew he would throw it to. Luckily it hadn't let go of it and so we battled over that as well (I won that).

The winner: Hard to say. There was severe loss on both sides.


Battle #3: The battle of the night
Opponent 1: Nia, Justis, Tori, and Abbie (the last two are my youngest sister's kids, ages 5 and 3 respectively)
Motivation: Stay awake as long as humanly possible
Opponent 2: Me
Motivation: Need some peace (to regain my sanity)

The scene: Two adjoining hotel rooms.

The battle: Trying to get two 5 year olds and two 3 year olds in pajamas, in bed, and asleep all at the same time.

The climax: Having to tell three of the four that were already put to bed to go back to bed about three or four times, while I was trying to hook up a portable DVD player so that sanity may be retained tomorrow (my mom's sanity) during Conference.

The winner: ME! Well, at least that makes one out of three. :) I did finally get them all asleep but I equate it to trying to get four cats to lay down and go to sleep in a specific spot and a specific position, all at the same time. This takes "herding cats" to a new level.


:)

A Special Experience

First of all, sorry I haven't posted for a couple of a days. As you know, I was gone, and then since we got back, I've been trying to get caught up. I will post some more adventures in the next few days.


While I was in Utah, I had the opportunity to go to the Saturday Morning session of General Conference with my dad. My sweet and sainted mom watched not only my kids, but my sisters two as well (a total of four kids between the ages of three and five), in a hotel room.

It was such a neat and special experience to be there for the solemn assembly, to stand and raise our hands to sustain the prophet, who was in that very same room (albeit large room). What made this experience even more neat and special (if that is possible) is that my dad and I were also in attendance for the solemn assembly when President Hinckley was sustained as prophet, back in 1995.

I feel blessed that I was able to go. The Saturday Morning session was the only one I could attend because of my travel plans so I was hoping it would be the solemn assembly. I am so grateful for that opportunity and it is a memory that I will always cherish.

Adventures in Idaho

Adventure #2: Going to the Mall

As any mother can attest, going to the mall with three young kids can be interesting. Luckily, there were two adults there (my sister, Esther, and I) so it wasn't so bad. This was funny though:

Esther and I had split up and I had the kids. We were waiting for her and Avery, her youngest (and quite adorable) decided that she wanted Mommy so she took off. I started following and she ran faster. I was pushing a stroller but it got to the point that I could not run fast enough with the stroller so I ditched the stroller, told Nia to watch it and watch Justis, and I ran, yes... ran, to catch up with Avery who was now running. Have you ever seen a woman literally running through the mall? I have not, but I can only imagine what people were thinking. Especially as Avery was crying "I want my Mommy." Yup, I'm sure I looked like a kidnapper. :)

Overall, the kids were great. It was a little scary taking them into Sephora (makeup store) because they wanted to try all of the tester lipsticks sitting out within arms reach. Yikes.

Here is a picture of the kids with ice cream cones. Quite the mess. :)

While at the mall, we also got Nia's ears pierced. It is something that she has wanted to do for a while. She looks adorable with them pierced and she was very brave.

I am having a fantastic time with my sister. It is so fun to be with her and her sweet family.

:)

Adventures in Idaho

Adventure # 1: Going to Sleep

As I have mentioned before, my son is very persistent. On this trip, he has decided that the only place he can and will sleep is on the couch. Now, let me broaden this perspective for you... His choices were: In the bed with the two other girls, on the floor in the girls' room, in one of the boy's beds, or on the floor in the boys' room. I had chosen to sleep on the couch. The living room has a beautiful couch set: Sofa, loveseat, and oversized chair. Very nice, very comfy. I decided I would sleep on the couch so I wouldn't wake up the kids and vice versa. Well, the first night we were here, there was a big drama over where Nia and Justis would sleep - Justis wanted to sleep wherever Nia and Avery (their cousin) slept, but Nia did not want to sleep with Justis in the bed. She opted to sleep on the floor, so naturally, so did Justis. Since Justis was going to sleep on the floor, she wanted to sleep on the bed... I'm sure you can see they cycle beginning.

Sooo... after a while, Nia decided to sleep on the loveseat because I was going to sleep on the larger sofa. Justis then decided he wanted to sleep on the couch, so Nia decided to go back to the bed. I helped Nia get back in the bed and in that time, Justis decided that he wanted the big couch. When I came back, my persistent son would take nothing else than the large sofa. Nevermind that I am 5'3" something and he is 3'4" something and that the Loveseat is, well, a loveseat. Not made for someone over 4' to stretch out on. After a royal battle with his persistenciness, I finally gave in so I could simply sleep, along with everyone else in the household that was subject to his screaming.

Sooo... for the past three nights, Justis has slept on the large couch and I, the mom, have slept on the loveseat. :)

Good thing they are comfortable. :)

:)