Grateful

I am sitting at my desk in the family room listening to the most beautiful sound... children playing happily together.

While every parent would agree that it is one of the best sounds in the world, I am particularly grateful because of everything it took to get these two special spirits into our family.

I remember the exact day that it really hit me that I wanted to have a baby. It was a couple of months after I got married. We had originally agreed before we got married that we would wait a couple of years before having children, but when I agreed to that, I had no idea about how the desire for children would hit me like a brick.

For an entire year, I struggled with having this strong desire, attending a student ward at Ricks (back when it was actually Ricks and not BYU-Idaho) where every other woman except 1 (that is not an exaggeration) either had a baby, was pregnant, or was trying to get pregnant, and not even be trying (Jason wasn't ready yet). That was difficult. There were times when I had forgotten to take my birth control and I secretly hoped that I would get pregnant. I can honestly say I never skipped it on purpose, but I wasn't exactly sad when I really did forget.

I also remember the exact moment when Jason told me that we could start trying to get pregnant. I was ecstatic. I remember shopping for clothes and hesitating to buy anything that I wouldn't be able to wear if I got pregnant. I also remember the utter despair of not getting pregnant at all. I had friends and siblings that got married after us and then pregnant. I had friends at work that were trying at the same time as I that finally got pregnant and then they didn't work anymore. I remember how it felt every time I started my period. It was horrible. If starting my period was bad enough, the cramps and pain that I had each month with it was like salt on an open wound. That, and the oh-so unhelpful comments such as "Just stop thinking about it, then you'll get pregnant." I hate that - never say that to someone trying to get pregnant. :)

Years went by and I wondered if I would ever be able to bear children. After several years (and countless tears), we finally decided to sign up for adoption. We were excited because we felt like we were a cute young couple and that we would be attractive to someone willing to give up their child so that child could have a better life. After a few months, we did get a call. I spoke to a birthmom on the phone and then an appointment was made for us to meet with her. After the appointment, she choose us. Again, we were ecstatic.

Preparations were made, a crib was bought, a room was painted, and clothes were purchased. We were ready! I went to the ultrasound where we learned it would be a boy and we later choose a name for him. Two weeks before her due date, we received a call from the social worker that the agency had received a letter from an attorney indicating that the birthmom had changed her mind and would be placing her baby for adoption through the attorney. The agency was not allowed to contact her anymore. (She was not LDS but was going through LDS Family Services originally based on a referral from a neighbor.)

I held hope that she would change her mind, but she never did. I was brave and strong, only because through the preceding years, I had learned to trust my Heavenly Father. I learned that my struggle with not having children had nothing to do with how often we were having FHE (or the lack of how often - it's hard when it's just the two of you), if I was reading my scriptures daily, etc. I tried bargaining, I tried pleading, I tried everything. The only thing that worked? Trust.

I had to trust Heavenly Father that His will was better than mine. I like planning things out. Not having my plans go accordingly is not something I enjoy. That was something that I had to learn. I didn't know if or when things would work out, I just had to have faith and trust that Heavenly Father loved(s) me, no matter how many times I have (or don't have) FHE, read my scriptures, etc. He loves me for me, despite my shortcomings, and He knows what is best. This was what was best, even if I didn't originally agree with Him. :)

A short side note: Through this trial, I was eventually able to find peace about not being able to get pregnant at that time. It took a while, years really, but I did receive that peace. I feel so grateful for that and was also grateful that it was something that I was able to share with others experiencing infertility and help them find peace as well.

Two months after our failed adoption, my youngest sister got pregnant. I remember how hard it was. I was the first to get married in my family and she was the last (there are five of us). It was hard to see her get pregnant after just a few months of trying and being married.

At her birthday party, I had really bad cramps. It was all I could do to sit there without bursting into tears after she opened up gift after gift of maternity clothes, knowing that I was about to start my period. I stayed as long as I could (it wasn't her fault) and had to leave. I just couldn't do it anymore. I cried all the way home. I went to bed crying (well, that at least sounds dramatic - I don't remember if that is really true though).

Oddly enough, a couple of days later, I still hadn't started my period. Lo and behold, I was pregnant! After five years, I was finally pregnant.

It is now six years later and I am listening to my two miracles playing happily together (our second was another miracle and another story - ironically we had just signed up for adoption again when I got pregnant with him). While I have my moments with them, as every parent does with their children, I feel utterly grateful to have been blessed with two incredible spirits. They are individual in many ways, but they are both strong. As if that wasn't enough, I also feel immensely blessed that they get along so well. 95% of the time, they play together beautifully. They laugh and giggle and help each other (well, mostly it's Nia helping Justis and him helping but not really helping Nia).

Our two miracles are it for us. When we were getting married, I wanted six. After a couple of years of trying, I was willing to go down to four. After a few more years, three was looking great. But alas, Heavenly Father has a will for me. Two is it. In our LDS society, sometimes I feel a little funny for "only having two," but I'm ok with it. In fact, I am happy with it. Heavenly Father knows me better than I know myself and He has a plan for me that I know, without a doubt, is better than my plan. My goal is to align my plan with His (which can be difficult because I don't always know what His plan is) and I know that things will ultimately work out for the best. That doesn't mean things will be easy, I am not a fool, but I know that by humbly accepting His will, I accept the best for me.

I could not have chosen better children. It's not that they are perfectly behaved all the time, but they are the perfect for each other and for Jason and I. There are things that I learn from each of them and I adore them both.

:)

P.S. I am also happy to say that we have FHE almost every week now. Sometimes schedules get hectic and we miss it, but generally we are very consistent. Had to put that in there so I know that you know that we are not neglectful with that commandment. :)