Posts
Before I start this post, I have to tell a quick and funny story... Nia came home from Kindergarten today and told me this. She said: "Mommy, you want to know something funny? I gave Cody a heart sticker today and after I gave it to him he wanted me to kiss him!" I thought this was so funny that I had her repeat it to Jason and she added to the story: "I told him No, No, No!" Luckily, we have taught her early enough that we don't kiss boys... except for daddy, grandpas, and brother. :)
Ok, now to my state of limbo...
I feel like I am stuck in a state of limbo between accepting my body and hating my body. In the last year, I have put on almost 30 pounds of weight. It's not that I have started doing something different, I am still working out and eating like I did before. My metabolism has completely shut down.
None of my clothes fit anymore. I have had to buy a whole new wardrobe which under normal circumstances would be quite exciting. Not so much when you jump up three sizes in pants and dresses.
Those that see me often may comment "You don't look like you have gained that much weight" and truly I know that I don't look like one might expect someone to look after putting 30 additional pounds on. For that, I truly am grateful. But I know I do look different and I know how much weight I have put on. I know that I am embarrassed to stand by my sister that weighs 90 pounds (not her fault - and I still love you baby) and I am frustrated as all get out.
I try to eat well, but I am not obsessive about it. Still, even watching my caloric intake (do you know how hard it is to eat only 1700 calories a day?), I have continued to gain weight. I am on thyroid medication but things don't seem to be turning around. I will have another test on my thyroid next month so maybe I will have to up my dosage, but that doesn't change what is happening now.
I am very conscientious about not obsessing over my body or calling myself fat in front of my daughter. I truly do not want her to grow up with a mother who is obsessed about her body and how it looks. But every time I look in the mirror I can't help but be sad and depressed over what is happening.
So this puts me in limbo - I want to be able to accept my body but at the same time I find it very difficult. I find it very difficult to feel good about the way I look when just a year before I was 30 pounds less, and less than a size 4. And to no fault of theirs, it's also hard to feel good about how I look when I am around my two beautiful sisters, who are much trimmer than myself. I love them and it doesn't change the way I feel about them and I hold no resentment towards them at all, it just reinforces my negative feelings about my body.
Sorry this is a downer. Any advice would be appreciated. I want to love my body and I want to accept my body. Some of the most beautiful women I know are not size 4 or less. I truly believe that beauty does not always come in small packages. I'm just struggling and trying to cope with going from a small package to a not so small package.
:)
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
6 comments:
I totally understand how you're feeling. I've been struggling with this same issue myself and nothing I seem to do works. I wish I had some advice for you, but you seem to be handling it much better emotionally than I do. If I ever discover something that works I'll let you know - just let me know if you figure something out too! :) and for the record- I think you're beautiful!
Andi, I can truly say I know how you feel. It is so frustrating to pack on the pounds and not be able to control it at all. I remember when I went to go buy new pants after the prednisone wieght showed its ugly self and I very nearly cried in the Old Navy dressing room when I realized what size I had become. It's not the number of the size, it's what it means. I felt like I had lost part of who I was; for all of my life I had been "tiny" "petite" etc. and now suddenly I wasn't. So I can totally relate to the feeling of frustration and self-image issues.
I wish I had the secret to suddenly being okay with body changing, but I don't. I hated getting dressed for a long time because I didn't feel "cute" in anything, I hated when Jeremy would give me compliments because I didn't believe that he could really still find me attractive. But slowly . . . very slowly . . . I began to realize that there was NOTHING I could do to change things, it was completely out of my reach. So I had to then tackle the task of relinquishing control and saying "Ok, this is what I've been given, let's figure out what to do with it". From what you're saying, it sounds like you are still trying to control what may be uncontrollable. Not saying that you should stop watching what you eat or exercising or any of that, but not letting it dominate your thoughts and actions. It's tough, but just keep reminding yourself that you're doing your best!
By the way, the way you feel around your sisters is the way I felt around you when I was prednisone heavy. I totally adore you and never saw it as anything wrong with you, but it is tough to have those reminders of what used to be close by!
If you ever need someone to vent to about this or anything else, you know where to find me! We should get the kids together, let them run wild and just talk sometime!
Well, I think I speak for both Angel and myself when I say that you are the prettiest of us all-whatever size package you are! =)
I say accept it. You are beautiful. Too bad that is much easier said than done, seeing as we live in an image obsessed world. Hopefully your thyroid meds start working. My mom is recovering from thyroid cancer and eats minimal amounts of food and can't lose weight. It really is an uphill battle. Good luck, and like I said you are beautiful and the last time I was a size 4 was in eighth grade.
Andi,
I read this post a while ago, and I could feel your pain. I wanted to think before I commented.
First, you are beautiful, inside and out. I know from your writings and your pictures, although I don't know you in person.
This made me think about a time in my life when I was extremely, painfully self-conscious. It was a different issue from yours, but it was totally about my appearance. I have rosacea which manifests itself with red, sometimes bumpy/bulging, skin on the face. Mine was especially compounded by bad acne. I felt that my ugly, red, acne-covered face was all anybody saw when they looked at me.
It took years, but I eventually found something that has helped to clear my skin up and to reduce redness. Because I had tried so many things, I didn't even tell my husband anything about this new thing. When my skin had dramatically improved, I waited for him to comment. It wasn't until several weeks to a month or so of clear, far-less red skin, that I finally asked him what he thought. I was blown away by the fact that he hadn't even noticed.
Now, you can chalk this up to the fact that he's a guy; but I choose to believe that the beauty he saw/sees in me is unaffected by my appearance.
I share this with you because I want you to trust these people who know you and love you. Beauty doesn't equal clear skin or a certain size.
I'm sorry this is so long.
Post a Comment